Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Another day of anger and cryiing

I have been down this road before. It is funny how I have been here in this pain many, many times. However, this is different. Everything has to come out of the darkness. I do not want to hurt my husband, but I am ready to start drinking again. And other than a few slip ups thru the years, I have not drank. I have been alone out of town and never indulged. I was strong. I do not feel strong right now. I have to depend on the Lord to be my strength, because I am broken.

I spoke to a young lady today with lots of kids and a porn addicted husband. It helped.  He is completely open to everyone about this and so is she. What a brave soul. I know that this will be the hardest thing my husband has done. He was always willing to go to the Bishop, but never willing to go work on this in public.

I was always willing to keep this secret because he has always tried to stop this behavior. But, whatever he has tried over three decades is not working. I think a 12 step program is the only way.I am scared out of my mind.

I feel fear and pain. I was so upset that I have been saying the F-word all day. And you have to know that do not say that word. That shows how angry I am.

It is really weird, but I am noticing that I tart freaking out and then I find out that he has had a slip up again. It is like my spirit knows that he has looked at porn again. I want to say right here and now, trust your instincts. Often husbands will not want to confess to you yet again (or at all), but if you are praying, trust our feelings.

Sometimes you will think you are going crazy and your husband may even tell you that you need help, or that there is something wrong with you, but trust what you feel.

you may have talked to your Bishop and find that there is no help for someone like you. What I a learning is that the LDS Church is one of the only places that you can find a 12 step pornography group. There are addiction  groups, but it is hard to find help anywhere for the wives. That is why I am blogging about this. If I hold it in any longer, I think  I am going to lose my mind.

Please share your feelings. You don't even have to give a name. I know you are out there. I know I am not alone.



Angel

Another Hard Day

I cry almost everyday. I have picked up journaling as a way to make it through the pain. My kids see the pain and I cannot tell them why I am struggling.

I have hurt myself in the process of being hurt. As a kid who was hurt by sexual abuse (not by a family member). The pain of living with a man who struggles with this sin makes it even harder. I make it through my life by praying. I pray until I feel better. I pray until the next time.

This morning we got into it and I have asked him to tell me when he messes up. I want know when he messes up because that way we can build trust of some kind. He said that he does not tell me because I am such a bitch and that evreytime he confesses, I freak out and he cannot handle me and how hard it is on him. He never confesses unless I confront him first. I always know when he has done something because of how he treats me, and the kids. Also, sexually he does something weird and then I think, yep, he has been lookin at porn. Then he goes to the Bishop, and whalaaah, he s forgiven, temple recommend signed, and all is well.

Oh I wish it were that easy for me. I still hold it. Except I do things to hurt myself. They are little things that add up. I would love to go and talk it about or with my Bishop, but when I do I am dismissed. For well over 20 years I have been dismissed. Am I tired? Hell yes.

If I sound angry, it is because I am in pain. If my husband were awful in every way, I would leave, but he loves us. I know he loves us. He just has a problem.

I am seeking out a 12 step program for me. I have looked before, but there is not much for wives. I will let you know what I find and maybe it will help you too.

In the meantime, I a very angry today, Bu as always, I will continue to pray.

Today I am praying that I do not drink. I really want to, but I won't.

I am hoping to post another day so that you will know that generally I am a woman  of faith and hope. But, this is a place to vent and I am doing just that.

Angel

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I created this blog because I could not find it otherwise

It really is hard when you feel like you are the only one. I know I am not, but I am starting this blog because I have been searching for LDS wives of porn addicts who need to share and there just is not much out there.

I am using the name Angel because that is what I feel we all are to each other. I am not ready to give my name because I am not ready to put my husband out there because of the stigma. I am not an enabling kind of wife, it's just that I feel protective of him. You see, he has had this problem all of his life and well into 21+years of our marriage. He has always confessed (when I caught him), he has always gone to the Bishop to clear it up, but it has continues most of our married life. He is clean right now. I know that he hates this about himself, but it is just ongoing.

It is more than difficult to do this in a blog, but I wanted to connect with others who wish to remain anonymous, but need a friend. For you see, the closet wife of an LDS porn addict is a very lonely place to be. And, I am alone for a very long time, and I am guessing that you are feeling the same.

We are wives who want to help our husbands who are otherwise good men, who have a problem. My husband is a very good man. He is not even trying to hide it from me, he just suffers and I keep trying to forgive and move ahead. Although he is a good man, he has never been happy, I mean really happy. He keeps to himself most of the time and my social life is with my friends.

Sometimes my friends see me sad or losing it, and I cannot tell them why. I have been to our Bishop, but he just says that my husband is doing great and is repentant. My husband is a current Temple recommend holder, and slips in and out of this problem. He loves the Gospel, loves his family, loves the church. He just has a problem.

So, where does that put me? I wish I had words to express the answer to that question. Lately, I cry daily because I have nowhere to turn. I do not feel any support from any of my Bishops through all of the years. They seem to say, well he is trying. There is a lot of different emotions and feelings when you are me. My kids see me lose it from time to time, and although it is not always because of porn, it often is. Even though he is clean, I still suffer from all of the pain of the past. It has really hurt me. Not to blame, only trying to explain. I am responsible for me, I am just not handling my emotions very well.

I am often praying to be released from the emotional pain from years of wondering and finding out that he has been looking at porn. I am waiting to be okay, but I never have been.

Are you like me? Do you suffer in silence? Even if your husband is clean, you still hurt and do not know what to do with the emotional pain? I often make excuses and I know that I have major issues and problems as an attempt to escape the pain. I have serious body issues. I am thin, but even if I gain any weight (even 1 pound), I feel fat and will monitor my food. Wishing I would die has entered my thoughts, but I kick them out. Honestly, it scares me how I feel sometimes.

In searching on the Internet, it is hard to find any support for someone like me. Am I alone or is the stigma so much in the LDS community that we won't even talk about it out to strangers? The GAs are always talking about Porn, so why does it seem that next to nobody has this problem?

Do you feel any of the following:

Body image issues
Guilty
Not wanting to go to church when you are upset about your husband's problem?
Hiding it from everyone to protect because of stigma and privacy?
Feeling alone with NO ONE to trust?
Keeping secrets of your own because you think he will judge you?
Kids having the same issues as your husband?
Feel like you are going crazy?
Meltdowns- it hits for no reason, nothing triggers it, you just melt down?
Feeling out of place in Church? Left out. You, your husband, or kids are never given leadership responsibilities. no one socializes with you in your ward. Feel awkward?
Love your Husband, but hate the pain?
Waiting for the kids to grow up so that you can leave if this continues?
Don't have any concept of eternal anything?
Urge to drink alcohol, take drugs just to escape?

I know this has been long, but it is my attempt to be raw and honest.

I will share some scriptures that help me through this on a later post. In the meantime, I just wanted to get this out there and see if there are others looking for someone to connect with who understands and cares. please post and do not feel the need to give your real name. I can keep your post private if you want. Believe me, I understand

Angel