Monday, May 17, 2010

Sharing my Thoughts on Beginning to Heal

I am trying to blog more often as a way to follow my progress as well as my sorrows. I am in recovery for my codependency to my husband’s and other family member's problems with Pn. I am still working on step one, as I do not feel that I have come anywhere near completely embracing it.

I met with my Bishop, on Sunday and I think I may have left him a little shell shocked. Remember I am a 25 + year Veteran of this stuff and he did admit that he is naive when it comes to this. He’s had a hard time grasping that we even have this kind of problems in our ward. Boy is he ever in for a shock. I felt okay talking to him, but do not feel much understanding coming from him. I never have with any Bishop in the past, so nothing new here. I guess it will take time. There are times that I really want to leave this place and enter into the real world. There is so much pain and protection of secrets going on. It is the saddest thing that our Mormon culture is so based in shame that everyone hides (including me).

I told him of my suffering and having no one to talk to and no support over the years. He did not seem to relate to me in any way what so ever. I use to worry that a Bishop would judge me or my family. I think I am getting past that now. I told him that no one knows the atonement like my husband. The perfect person cannot possibly know the atonement the way a sinner does. It is the man (or woman) who sins ( and is sinned against) who needs his Lord and needs his forgiveness. I do not know If I will ever feel any real love from a Bishop. I feel alone. I think that is why it is so hard to be active in Church. I feel that most everyone I live near lives in some kind of protective bubble. I must have missed the boat on that one. I do however, feel the protection and love from my Savior. I may never really have ever has a live human being who really get’s it. I may never have a Church Leader who gets it, but I know that My Savior get’s it, and I am starting to really understand that in a way I never have. It is funny, but right now, I really do not feel much of a need for friendship. I am kind of inward focused as I pass throught this.

The pain I experience by the reality that I will most likely deal with this problem for the rest of my life on earth is very difficult to comprehend. Having said that, I am working on healing my sins and my pain that I allowed to be caused by not always reaching out to the Lord the way I should have. I feel less guilt than before because I know that He (the Lord) knows that I am so new at this. He (the Lord) knows that the pain I caused myself and my family was something I thought I was justified in, or that I used blame because I did not realize that I did not need to take all of that in.

Many Church leaders will have a woman in their office feeling like she is losing her mind, and they will do right by her and send her to a Church approved councilor. Sometimes her husband is so good at hiding his problem that she will blame herself for the problems in their relationship. He (the husband) will sometimes use his own guilt on her. She will think she is going crazy (because she is). Often the husband will never admit his sins. Not to her, or the Bishop. That is why when you are searching for help online, it is hard to find. The people you usually hear about are those who already ended a marriage. The rest, suffer in silence as they try to “fix” their marriage and not want to suffer the embarrassment of ever telling anyone.

I have given many problems at many times to My Father in Heaven, but I do not believe that I ever truly gave this one to him. It kept happening over and over, so I was waiting until it was over, until he was fixed, or until I could magically overcome a problem I had no control over.

I am learning that I now have a choice, a choice even if others make the wrong choice. I choose Christ. That means that even If my husband does not come along for the ride, I can still be safe in the Savior’s arms. Something I never really knew before. I thought I had to be connected to his sin. Meaning that he sins, I am sad again… until he repents, then I am hopeful and happy. Then he falls again, and the cycle continues.

I know that I will never overcome it. I know this, but I also know that the Savior has overcome it for me. I also know that he will take my pain away every time.

I love my husband, I really do. I am grateful that he did not ever let this fester in darkness. I am glad that he always confessed, each time. I think it saved us from further destruction. My sadness is that some things in our family have been destroyed (much that we can never get back.) Again, I cannot dwell on what has happened in the past. I have to deal with what is real right here, right now. Like someone hearing that a family member has an incurable disease and you will live with it forever, I will need to adjust. I keep praying for the strength and it does come little by little.. When I am weakest, the love comes. When I am alone, the love comes. When I am afraid, the love comes. When I am crazy, the loves comes.

I have also learned why I hid myself. Why I cancelled social opportunities. Why I let friendships take a back burner. Why I stopped having fun. There was always pain and sadness lurking somewhere. There was always some kind of division. There was always “The Secret” and I hated it.

I have to believe that I will feel joy again someday. I have faith and hope that it will not be long. I am a joyful person who loves deeply. I am a daughter of God and I deserve to be whole again. I look forward to the day when this is not on my mind all of the time.

I am praying for everyone who is sitting in my shoes. I feel your pain.

I know my savior lives…he loves me… he loves me personally, and individually. He is so aware of me and my situation. I am open to this and I am grateful.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

A little hope but still very hard

We went to our first 12 step program almost a week ago. It was very hard for both of us. I thought I would throw-up on the way there and I weepy all through the couples meeting.

I do not want to do this, I do not want to be this. I did not cause this and now I have to do this for the remainder of my life?  I wish it would all go away, but it just wont.

I have been the most upset about the spirit it has brought into my home. I raged and was angry at the world at times. I even drank alcohol a few times throughout the years because I felt justified. I love the taste an feeling that comes with drinking, I just do not want the complications that come with it.

Although I had the opportunity, I do not want to cheat on my husband. I really consider him a good man. He is not abusive to me and he adores me. He never stepped out with a real person, and I believe that it was his many visits to the Bishops through the years that kept him from taking it a higher level. Although most of his porn looking of it was in the darkness, most of it was brought to the light. I know all that I need or want to ever know.

My Son is also addicted and he is in a very bad way. He is locked in his sin and I am just not learning that I can do nothing to fix it. I am finding myself having to leave him alone to fall and that scares me more than I can think. He wants to die and he keeps finding himself falling in every way of his life. Car accidents, job losses, people not wanting to be around hime because of strange talk and behaviors. He is losing everything and will not stop. He wants to hold onto this. I guess I understand...I guess

As I said, I do not want to be going thru this right now or ever. It is so hard to look at my capable husband and admit that this sin cannot just go away.

I need to teach my Bishop about how wives can be saved from the craziness that comes from their Husband's addiction. I am still learning it as I am on step one. Bishops never help wives. We have always be left to sit and rot. This was never intentional, it is just what it is. The Church is just now pulling together 12 steps that fit into the lives of LDS people who suffer with this and for their wives who suffer in silence.

Long row to hoe, but with my Savior...all things are possible. I must hang onto that faith in order to survive the pain this has caused.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Another day of anger and cryiing

I have been down this road before. It is funny how I have been here in this pain many, many times. However, this is different. Everything has to come out of the darkness. I do not want to hurt my husband, but I am ready to start drinking again. And other than a few slip ups thru the years, I have not drank. I have been alone out of town and never indulged. I was strong. I do not feel strong right now. I have to depend on the Lord to be my strength, because I am broken.

I spoke to a young lady today with lots of kids and a porn addicted husband. It helped.  He is completely open to everyone about this and so is she. What a brave soul. I know that this will be the hardest thing my husband has done. He was always willing to go to the Bishop, but never willing to go work on this in public.

I was always willing to keep this secret because he has always tried to stop this behavior. But, whatever he has tried over three decades is not working. I think a 12 step program is the only way.I am scared out of my mind.

I feel fear and pain. I was so upset that I have been saying the F-word all day. And you have to know that do not say that word. That shows how angry I am.

It is really weird, but I am noticing that I tart freaking out and then I find out that he has had a slip up again. It is like my spirit knows that he has looked at porn again. I want to say right here and now, trust your instincts. Often husbands will not want to confess to you yet again (or at all), but if you are praying, trust our feelings.

Sometimes you will think you are going crazy and your husband may even tell you that you need help, or that there is something wrong with you, but trust what you feel.

you may have talked to your Bishop and find that there is no help for someone like you. What I a learning is that the LDS Church is one of the only places that you can find a 12 step pornography group. There are addiction  groups, but it is hard to find help anywhere for the wives. That is why I am blogging about this. If I hold it in any longer, I think  I am going to lose my mind.

Please share your feelings. You don't even have to give a name. I know you are out there. I know I am not alone.


Another Hard Day

I cry almost everyday. I have picked up journaling as a way to make it through the pain. My kids see the pain and I cannot tell them why I am struggling.

I have hurt myself in the process of being hurt. As a kid who was hurt by sexual abuse (not by a family member). The pain of living with a man who struggles with this sin makes it even harder. I make it through my life by praying. I pray until I feel better. I pray until the next time.

This morning we got into it and I have asked him to tell me when he messes up. I want know when he messes up because that way we can build trust of some kind. He said that he does not tell me because I am such a bitch and that evreytime he confesses, I freak out and he cannot handle me and how hard it is on him. He never confesses unless I confront him first. I always know when he has done something because of how he treats me, and the kids. Also, sexually he does something weird and then I think, yep, he has been lookin at porn. Then he goes to the Bishop, and whalaaah, he s forgiven, temple recommend signed, and all is well.

Oh I wish it were that easy for me. I still hold it. Except I do things to hurt myself. They are little things that add up. I would love to go and talk it about or with my Bishop, but when I do I am dismissed. For well over 20 years I have been dismissed. Am I tired? Hell yes.

If I sound angry, it is because I am in pain. If my husband were awful in every way, I would leave, but he loves us. I know he loves us. He just has a problem.

I am seeking out a 12 step program for me. I have looked before, but there is not much for wives. I will let you know what I find and maybe it will help you too.

In the meantime, I a very angry today, Bu as always, I will continue to pray.

Today I am praying that I do not drink. I really want to, but I won't.

I am hoping to post another day so that you will know that generally I am a woman  of faith and hope. But, this is a place to vent and I am doing just that.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

I created this blog because I could not find it otherwise

It really is hard when you feel like you are the only one. I know I am not, but I am starting this blog because I have been searching for LDS wives of porn addicts who need to share and there just is not much out there.

I am using the name Angel because that is what I feel we all are to each other. I am not ready to give my name because I am not ready to put my husband out there because of the stigma. I am not an enabling kind of wife, it's just that I feel protective of him. You see, he has had this problem all of his life and well into 21+years of our marriage. He has always confessed (when I caught him), he has always gone to the Bishop to clear it up, but it has continues most of our married life. He is clean right now. I know that he hates this about himself, but it is just ongoing.

It is more than difficult to do this in a blog, but I wanted to connect with others who wish to remain anonymous, but need a friend. For you see, the closet wife of an LDS porn addict is a very lonely place to be. And, I am alone for a very long time, and I am guessing that you are feeling the same.

We are wives who want to help our husbands who are otherwise good men, who have a problem. My husband is a very good man. He is not even trying to hide it from me, he just suffers and I keep trying to forgive and move ahead. Although he is a good man, he has never been happy, I mean really happy. He keeps to himself most of the time and my social life is with my friends.

Sometimes my friends see me sad or losing it, and I cannot tell them why. I have been to our Bishop, but he just says that my husband is doing great and is repentant. My husband is a current Temple recommend holder, and slips in and out of this problem. He loves the Gospel, loves his family, loves the church. He just has a problem.

So, where does that put me? I wish I had words to express the answer to that question. Lately, I cry daily because I have nowhere to turn. I do not feel any support from any of my Bishops through all of the years. They seem to say, well he is trying. There is a lot of different emotions and feelings when you are me. My kids see me lose it from time to time, and although it is not always because of porn, it often is. Even though he is clean, I still suffer from all of the pain of the past. It has really hurt me. Not to blame, only trying to explain. I am responsible for me, I am just not handling my emotions very well.

I am often praying to be released from the emotional pain from years of wondering and finding out that he has been looking at porn. I am waiting to be okay, but I never have been.

Are you like me? Do you suffer in silence? Even if your husband is clean, you still hurt and do not know what to do with the emotional pain? I often make excuses and I know that I have major issues and problems as an attempt to escape the pain. I have serious body issues. I am thin, but even if I gain any weight (even 1 pound), I feel fat and will monitor my food. Wishing I would die has entered my thoughts, but I kick them out. Honestly, it scares me how I feel sometimes.

In searching on the Internet, it is hard to find any support for someone like me. Am I alone or is the stigma so much in the LDS community that we won't even talk about it out to strangers? The GAs are always talking about Porn, so why does it seem that next to nobody has this problem?

Do you feel any of the following:

Body image issues
Not wanting to go to church when you are upset about your husband's problem?
Hiding it from everyone to protect because of stigma and privacy?
Feeling alone with NO ONE to trust?
Keeping secrets of your own because you think he will judge you?
Kids having the same issues as your husband?
Feel like you are going crazy?
Meltdowns- it hits for no reason, nothing triggers it, you just melt down?
Feeling out of place in Church? Left out. You, your husband, or kids are never given leadership responsibilities. no one socializes with you in your ward. Feel awkward?
Love your Husband, but hate the pain?
Waiting for the kids to grow up so that you can leave if this continues?
Don't have any concept of eternal anything?
Urge to drink alcohol, take drugs just to escape?

I know this has been long, but it is my attempt to be raw and honest.

I will share some scriptures that help me through this on a later post. In the meantime, I just wanted to get this out there and see if there are others looking for someone to connect with who understands and cares. please post and do not feel the need to give your real name. I can keep your post private if you want. Believe me, I understand